as i prepare for stint, GOD has just been stripping me down, layer by layer, of everything i know to be real and true in my life. pretty soon im going to be a leetle cold…and a leetle embarrassed. hohoho.
it started with self image. its hard being in san diego, and not obsessing over my body, how i look, do i feel pretty, oh so pretty. look at that girls body, she’s so skinny, why cant i look like that, oh jeez i hope i dont look like HER, that guy told me i look beautiful, i feel good for 30 seconds. then its gone. why do i care? i feel so gross. he’ll never be interested in someone like me. he chose her because shes more spiritual. theres always gonna be someone better than you. youre not good enough.
the lies filled my head. and so i prayed. i prayed against the lies. i prayed for the truth. i prayed for eyes to see beauty when all i saw were funhouse images. beauty is fleeting…i wanna be a woman who fears the LORD.
then a quiet moment. a couple days of silence. relief.
a new week begins. im not smart enough. they’re all looking at me thinking, who let her into this program? i cant learn all this material. who cares about DNA!!! i cant maintain the facade. im stupid. they know i dont belong. they know im not good enough. im not good enough.
the lies are hurled at me in every direction. i cant hear anything else, i cant focus on my work. im getting weak, but i pray. i pray that Deception would flee from me. i pray that my selfworth wouldnt be measured by the number of my test score. i thank God for the gifts Hes given me and humbling me. but im tired and weak.
then it starts. had it not been conquered a year ago? why is it back? why cant i breathe? Suffocation. Suffocation, like an opportunistic pathogen, has invaded my weak body and found a grip on my lungs. nobody can tell but me. i smile, all the while screaming inside for Suffocation to release its hold on me, in the name of Jesus Christ, who’s blood has covered me, and who died, defeated hell, and rose again on that 3rd day. yet it lingers. daily i cry out, frustrated, annoyed and stinkin angry! finally, i share with my brothers and sisters. i ask for their intercession.
finally.. i can breathe. another quiet moment.
you lost me at jason schwartzman.